2006 Number 160,

CHILDREN OF DIVORCE

Susan A Marino, BFA, MA, NCC, LPC, licensed professional counselor

 

 

Traditional family holidays can be emotionally challenging for all members of a divorced family.  The high expectations presented by society and the media are hard to maintain even for an intact family unit.  The rosy images on cards and the screen tend to be more than ordinary people.  The settings more elaborate than many homes can achieve.  The gifts advertised more than is affordable.  Idealist dreams of a perfect Christmas can be shattered like a delicate ornament on the Christmas tree.    When the trauma of hurtful events leaves scars on the heart, and we may be missing those once held dear, it can be hard to embrace the good cheer and anticipate the New Year with enthusiasm.

Family holidays are more about emotions than logic.  Who wants to hear that this is now a one check household or that the budget does not allow for the usual amount of gifts and activities?  If you appeal to someone on a strictly logical basis you will have little chance of persuading them of the necessity of your message.  There is more potential in emotion-based gestures such as spending extra caring time together, with the goal of healing wounds of the heart and joint planning of better holidays ahead.   

Divorced children as well as parents can be vulnerable to depression during the season for family celebrations.  With the sadness and withdrawal of depression, can come expressions of quick and intense anger.   Substance abuse may increase.  This does not sound like fun around the Christmas tree.  One gift you can give is to more closely monitor for mood swings, detach from the holiday rush and focus on family communication.  If individual efforts are less than satisfying, seek outside help.  Despite denials, if symptoms are present, they must be linked to unresolved issues.  If the symptoms are negative or depressive in nature, the issues must be less than healthy.  Positive loving issues do not create acting out behaviors.

We have limited conscious control over our emotions because they are an expression of our subconscious beliefs.  To become aware of our unconscious beliefs can be a long process that involves effort.  To shift or change beliefs is yet another topic that takes more time and effort.  The first step is to notice what percentage of our emotional expressions is negative and what percentage is positive.  It is also helpful to take note how others respond to our emotions.  It’s hard to connect with someone when the positive or negative qualities of their communications do not match.  Cheerful positive people tire of sad negative people after a while and visa versa.

The secret to this seemingly impossible challenge lies in suspending your own interests and reminding family members that we are ordinary people doing the best we can during extraordinarily stressful holidays. If you are looking for praise of your “above and beyond the call of duty” efforts, confirmation of what you already know about your previous spouse, or an argument you will miss out.  Let this be a time of hugs and kindness, which is the glue that holds families together year after year.          

 

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Review of Preparing Children for Divorce

 

1.  Let children know you understand their sadness concerning missing family members.                        

 

2.  Encourage letter writing and sending cards.

 

3.  Avoid talking about in depth details of what the other parent continues to do wrong.