2007 Number 161

Susan A Marino, BFA, MA, NCC, LPC, licensed professional counselor

 

 

Q:  I feel confused and conflicted most of the time about my primary relationship.  I know I am loved but I am also feeling uncomfortable, as though off-balance due to mixed messages.  I used to be so independent but now I seem somewhat lost, devalued and disconnected from my own decision-making processes.  Is ending the relationship the best positive solution?

 

A:  Leaving can be the easiest immediate solution.  If there is any value in this relationship, consider that both controlling and submissive responses attract partners who learned these patterns in childhood.  Could you be unconsciously participating or modeling this dynamic to children?  Most controllers just want to feel close combined with a fear of feeling rejected or abandoned and have no idea that their behavior is perceived as offensive.  They can operate from the positive belief that control provides structure and limits chaos.    There is a point, however, where control crosses the line from healthy to destructive.  Feeling uncomfortable or oppressed is a ‘wake-up call” concerning how you relate to people and the success of both verbal and nonverbal communication skills. 

 

Methods of Control:

Describing the other person, which over time becomes their identity in the relationship.

Put-downs of the other person, to justify stepping in and taking control.

Isolating the other person from people, places, or things that are supportive.

Verbal and physical abuse (including stalking).

 

Verbal Abuse Includes:

Name-calling (directed toward you personally or those you hold dear).

Trivializing what you find important or meaningful.

Consistent blaming, accusing, judging, criticizing, as well as withholding praise.

Threatening and commanding.

 

Stalking and Physical Abuse Includes: 

Controlling behavior that can escalate to the point of danger.

This situation calls for immediate action.

Get help.  Talk to a professional.  Get out of danger.

 

There are no guarantees that this dynamic will not be repeated unless you take your control back and work on yourself.  We have all somehow cooperated in establishing whatever our relationships have become.  As you work on how you deal with people, your partner may become insecure.  So, there is the risk that the control will escalate, further motivating breakup.  However, the bigger question is not whether you stay or leave (unless there is threat of harm) but what you want for your life and what you are willing to do to have it.  We all benefit when there are clear expectations regarding what kinds of behavior are acceptable.  Put how your trust has been exploited on the back burner and address why you were able to get into a controlling relationship in the first place.  With greater understanding, positive resolution to conflict is made easier.

 

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