2007 Number 168
Susan A Marino, BFA, MA, NCC, LPC, licensed professional counselor
Most of the people I talk with want to be connected to whomever and whatever makes their lives easier, more meaningful and enhances their status. It can get pretty boring when all we can look forward to is a monotonous merry-go-round of work and sleep. We all want some fun and variety along the path to our chosen purpose. The more direct route is to decide where we want to end up and choose to be connected with people with similar goals; knowing that if others fail us, we are determined and capable of pressing on to our destination. We are therefore connected to our spirituality and dreams in a self-sustaining way. There is healthy interdependence in this attitude.
- HEALTHY CONNECTIONS:
- Teamwork is welcomed, without 100% conformity.
- Mutual respect is observed and mutual benefits are evident.
- Communication and good-will is possible with friends and family.
Sadly, some people are ill prepared for this approach. Whatever the reason: childhood conditioning or modeling, immaturity, low self-esteem, emotional imbalances, etc. some people are prone to using others for meaningful connection and purpose. There is an unequal element of dependence, control and/ or minimized personal responsibility. This indirect connection can take on a life of its own, along with the potential for negative outcomes, including violence and abuse.
- A person is defined as favorite and receives special attention.
- Individuality or the individual needs of the special person are discounted.
- Not everyone is this environment is thriving; someone is upset or sick.
- There are threats and anger at signs of separateness or change.
- Control, manipulation and secrets are used to bind what is too good to be true.
When the focus is on controlling someone outside ourselves, reactions can by-pass internal conscience and become out of control. This is commonly referred to as being “beside ourselves.” Out of control anger is a cover-up response that protects an oppressor from facing themselves or core issues. When an impasse is reached, it is time to get to the heart of the matter, fix the problem, or move on in a responsible way. Calm down and ask yourself or whoever is angry “What’s the matter?” followed by “Is there anything else that’s bothering you?” Be prepared to listen closely, the second response is more likely to reveal a deeper, more important hurt or concern.
The people and groups that we connect with affect us in deep and profound ways. Aside from our family, connection begins as an elective; however, not all of them have to be a lifelong commitment. If meaningful purpose has become a low priority, with frustration and chaos the norm, it may be time to get in touch with your original meaningful purpose.
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