2007 Number 169

Susan A Marino, BFA, MA, NCC, LPC, licensed professional counselor

 

 

Q:  After several years of marriage, I want more.  I’m just not satisfied and I dread opening this can of worms.  How can I admit dissatisfaction without sounding negative and blaming? 

A:   People change over time and so do their relationships.  Healthy relationships can survive re-evaluation.   After all, performance is routinely rated on the job, when the kids present their report cards, and we get the car ready for winter.  If the subject of dissatisfaction is that risky something or somebody is beyond the norm.  If it’s a time issue, at least schedule a meeting about how to simplify your life.    

             

THINK, READ & SEEK ADVICE so you can BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT: 

Personal Independence…… Spouse Independence……Couples Time Alone…..Social Activities……Occupational or Academic Progress……Communications…..Financial Issues…… Parenting…… Trust in Each Other…..Decision Making……Resolving Conflicts……Problem Solving……and Support of One Another, are all appropriate topics for consideration, whew!!!

 

BE CLEAR IN COMMUNICATING WHAT YOU WANT: 

Establish a good time to talk over issues.

Avoid criticizing, judging or coercing. 

Remain on one topic until it has been resolved. 

Talk less about what you don’t want and more about what you do want.

 

YOU BOTH CAN GET WHAT YOU WANT:

Be prepared to negotiate without demands.

Validate your partner by listening without interrupting.

Offer something that you partner wants along with your request. 

Make the effort to share your lives cooperatively, putting your partner before others.

Reflect back your understanding of what your spouse has said and accept how they feel.

 

The success of a long-lasting relationship rests on two people who each have a sense of commitment to the relationship as well as their own individuality.  They feel that the support, trust, and love they receive will enhance them in their quest to achieve what they want out of life.  For there to be satisfaction, both partners must feel that they get out what they put into the relationship.   Remember that couples with a blended family have to work harder to maintain their life together.  Reinforce the efforts and accomplishments of your partner by assuring that your changing needs are met.  When you get what you want make an effort to let them know in a loving and appreciative manner.

 

“An ounce of affection is worth a pound of cure.”

 

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