Inner Strength
2006 Number 159
Susan A Marino, BFA, MA, NCC, LPC, licensed professional counselor
Q: I am at the point in my life where I am less than satisfied with the outcome of my close relationships. My marriage is problematic, my children have made choices that are outside my value system, and friendships shallow. I feel unsupported, disempowered, and it is hard to embrace the spirit of Christmas and the New Year with optimism. How can I jump-start my hope in close relationships?
A: It sounds like you are holding on to some resentment as well as taking what is out of your control personally. Yes, you worked hard on your relationships and probably asked no more of others than yourself. It can hurt when we bend over backwards, only to have our efforts be unsuccessful or unappreciated. Describe your dream relationships. Does your group have the foundation and skills to realistically fulfill your expectation? Perhaps you have some expectations that are not serving you or your loved ones well.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS:
Wanting others to think, respond, speak and act like we do.
Thinking another human being can make us feel happy
Mistakes are seldom and certainly not public.
MESSAGES THAT PUSH OTHERS AWAY:
They are 100% wrong vs. your disagreement with some of their behavior.
They are an incompetent embarrassment.
You don't trust them to make appropriate choices.
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES INCLUDE RESPECTFUL INVOLEMENT:
Teamwork requires frequent calm communication.
Kindness is the glue that holds relationships together.
The biggest mistake is to look at their short-comings before our own.
Your question is primarily negative in attitude and without some adjustment could lead to depression. It indicates personal control but a lack of inner strength toward relationship surprises. The problem is that you are dealing with people not appliances. Relationships are emotionally messy and do not come with a manual. Unless you are prepared to start over from scratch you cannot return your family or friends. What if you shifted your focus from winning the championship to setting up a fresh relationship game board each and every day?
One of the biggest choices in relationship situations is weather to see others as a burdensome responsibility or an amusement park. Amusement sounds like more fun and is never dull. The key is your attitude, which is an inside job along with happiness, acceptance, and forgiveness. Personal attitude management is no small job and requires a lot of inner strength. Consistent emotional nurturance prepares us for appropriate responses and an increased ability to bounce back when challenges hit us in the face. Give yourself a Christmas gift, and start the regular emotional growth program of your preference.
Professional Advice & Counseling 573-774-5747
Specializing in Psycho-educational Articles & Consultations for Stress Prevention
